Let’s talk to ourselves in a way that counteracts culture and opens us to healing
In my coaching practice, most of the worst pain I see is self inflicted. We have been taught to speak to ourselves cruelly and push ourselves with harsh commands or demeaning put downs. These internalized habits cause us constant, minute by minute, day by day, pain.
And often when my clients first truly see this about their habits – MORE self-inflicted pain happens in the form of self-judgement.
The blame and the shame cycle is a nightmare.
I have been witnessing, for my whole life, how the thoughts we have about WHO we think we should be and HOW we should be and the many things that should NOT be…creates a constant stream of pain.
The wording is different, depending upon the person, but the pain is often the same. Especially because we can also believe we are alone.
When we are in pain, physical or emotional, we can create more pain as a reaction to the suffering. We do this by judging ourselves through the lens of cultural ideas and then talking to ourselves using the words of that judgement.
These painful thoughts lead to discombobulated actions.
We have survived, we think, by pushing through that pain.
By commanding ourselves internally to move forward, through harsh instruction.
We can believe that the louder we yell at ourselves, the more we can push through.
Often, even our quieter thoughts can have a harsh edge towards the self.
For so many, there is very little respite from the painful self-talk that breaks our spirit. This is what keeps so many from living lives that are made up of who they truly are and being available for what this world has to give.
Luckily there are MANY beautiful healers out in the world, offering routes towards healing.
But I want to offer something that will help humans become available for those many options of healing.
If you can’t conceive of the possible options towards healing, you can’t find your next step.
We cannot get to where we do not believe we deserve to be.
So let’s do this simple beginning step towards healing together…
Every day, beginning today, commit to 2 minutes of gentle, kind self talk.
Give yourself a timer set for 2 minutes (if that feels contained and easier) to speak thoughtfully to YOU.
KIND SELF TALK is a gift to your system from you. It is a way to build trust that has not been allowed or understood to be possible.
Simply put:
Hands on your chest and belly or on your own shoulders or over your face – wherever feels supportive. See where you feel in need of tender support at that moment. Gently breathe and exhale.
Kind Self Talk is not bullshitting. This is not a pep talk or even positive affirmations.
Kind Self Talk is you speaking to yourself the way you wish you were spoken to as a child.
Kind Self Talk is how your best, caring self, would speak to a child who is suffering, now.
First level of this simple practice goes something like this:
“I hear you body. (or, I am working to hear you, body…) Right now you are overwhelmed and feeling ____. I am sorry we are going through this. You get to feel as you are and I am here with you, understanding it as best as I can. You are trying and it feels like it is not enough. YOU are doing such good work trying to be strong – the best you can do. You ARE seen by ME. Thank you for being with me. I am trying to be with you and am working towards giving you what you have not been given enough of. I appreciate myself for all I have done and appreciate my system for trying to do the best it can…”
The next level, if you are feeling more connected to yourself, can be 2 minutes of more blatant loving speak and goes something like this:
“I am listening to you body. You are inspiring with all you do. You are truly doing so much and I love you for the care and work you do. I am feeling grateful to my heart, my belly, my brain, for all of the constant functioning, growth, repair and love. We have been through so much and you are so important and show such strength. When I look back I can see what you have accomplished. Thank you for doing the best with what you knew at the time. Thank you for all of your power and progress…”
Choose whichever level you feel works for you on a particular day and speak to yourself with that level for the 2 minutes as a person who gets to feel cared for.
This practice, done daily, will begin to open your mind to how it speaks to itself – and that changes everything.
Just as we know if we speak harshly at our animals or our child or our co-workers or our loved ones – communication and connection breaks down.
Your body and mind can learn to receive communication and connection leading towards learning how to be open for further healing.
So lets first nourish ourselves with some Summer Self Love in the form of Kind Self Talk, so you can hear what you need.
Let’s do it together.
I’m sending you love and understanding, and power, from my heart to yours